As the year draws to a close I find myself in an odd place. The following four years scare the hell out of me, but as they say: "Existence is resistance." As my therapist pointed out a while back, I cannot control anything outside myself. As such, I will do what I can this year to work on myself.
By the end of 2025 I very much want to be able to look in the mirror and like who I see. Some of that is mental and totally self image based, Some is physical, but it's all built up over decades and will be a lot of work.
I'd like to feel comfortable being myself in the world, not just among a close circle of friends.
I want to learn to advocate for myself rather that spend my days doing what is most convenient for the people around me and causes the fewest waves.
Despite no longer feeling welcome in the country I have lived my entire life, the country I've been proud of and that I have loved, I now find myself asking how many people who seem to enjoy my company as the people pleasing and accommodating of everyone person who's mask I've worn for years would still like or respect me if they knew the real me; how many of them would intervene if I was under siege or physically threatened by transphobes and how many are only okay with me so long as I hide myself to make their lives more comfortable. I want to know, but it also terrifies me.
I also want to thank everyone who's stuck by me and my complaining for another year and particularly those who wrote me kind letters when I came out in May and after the election. You're all the best and it gives me some hope.
Have a happy New Years.
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